I am slightly amazed at how seemingly happy I am. I am happy, in general, but being happy does not come easily for me. I get discouraged often and I take a lot of things to heart. People often don’t realize how much their words and actions affect me. Simple comments, even something like wow that girl’s dress is beautiful, send me into a mental tizzy wondering if I look okay, wishing I looked like her, etc. etc. Despite my inner turmoil, at times, I still search for happiness. I choose happiness.
No, I don’t love the fact that I spend more than my parents for a studio while they have 5 acres (and two incomes). I do love the fact that I have a roof over my head, 24/7 free gym, and the security of a building to live in.
No, I don’t love the fact that some of the people I love don’t love me as much as I love them, or at least they don’t know how to show it in ways that reach me. I do love the fact that I have a huge number of people that care about me, and would do anything for me (parents, aunts, uncles, little brother, my friends, my parents’ friends). There are those out there who hold a piece of my heart and don’t realize how precious it is, but I just hope that one day they will realize what a gift it is to be loved by me.
The things that I can control, I will make the best of- I’ll feed my body with food that makes me happy, I’ll feed my mind with the knowledge that will make me the best teacher I can be, I will feed my soul with things that challenge and excite me, and maybe even scare me to try.
The things I cannot control, I will leave them up to God and find comfort in knowing that someone else is at the helm.
Last year, at this time, I was a nanny, taking care of three little people that will forever be in my heart. Things were difficult, and a year later, as much as I would love to see them and hug them, I’m accepting the fact that I may never get that opportunity. Instead, I’ll just pray that they are doing well, and that they are in the care of someone who loves them as much, if not more than I do, and that their parents have finally seen their errors and are actually spending quality time with them…
I had some wicked nightmares last night which brought all this pain to the surface, but I’m thankful for the dreams because my heart does not feel as heavy today as it did yesterday. It came to my attention that it’s almost a year since I quit my old job and I can say that in that year I have grown so much and while I will always regret losing *my* babies, I am so glad to have regained me.
Although, I’m probably busier now than I was then (walking down the hall to ‘work’ has it’s perks, and naptime = study time for me)… I still find that I have more time to do the things that I love. For example, this morning I did a killer yoga session because riding my bike seemed too daunting in the early hours. After school, I hit heaven on Earth for a quick grocery shop.
Here’s all the Trader Joes loot. I spent ~60 dollars but I probably won’t need to go out again for two weeks, so no worries 🙂 The one thing I don’t like about shopping there is all the packaging they use. What’s up with that. Of course I meant to get some raw almond butter but my list read like this- mozzarella, feta, cereal from hangry pants, produce!!! It wasn’t my usual ultra-detailed list. Oh well. It was fun! And most everything I got was organic (except apples, basil and cheeses- they didn’t really have any organic cheese there 😦 ).
Backing up to this morning,
I had a small bowl of Multigrain Cheerios (as in the kind you get in the school cafeteria, sometimes I grab the unopened packages before the kids toss them, most of the time I just let other people take them because the choices aren’t great).
With it I had a juice blend of orange, grape, banana juice. It was yummy!
After another good day at school, I hit the store, and picked up my dinner there…
Sushi platter. I ate the whole thing. In two separate sittings but still lol. It was so good. I love sushi and haven’t had it in ages. I used to go to this place in Southern MD back in the day that is incomparable but the last time I got supermarket sushi, I spit out the bite and threw it away so, once again, Pat Yourself on the Back, Trader Joe. Plus, it was a GREAT deal since it cost dollar less than the gross one I had the other time.
I’m going to have to start going to TJs more often though because my shoulders have marks on them from the heavy bags! Worth it though 🙂 This is an early post for me because I’ve spent the afternoon fighting with my printer (I can’t find the disk for it and the drivers online aren’t working and I need to print/fax something ASAP! Grr)… and so haven’t had my homework filled afternoon, but before I get caught up in that I’m going to head out for a little bike ride. It’s beautiful out, with a slight breeze that will make biking perfect!
(View From My Window Right Now)